Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Big Creek Trail, Montana

The cold still silence of the Bitterroot Valley has me feeling lonely and isolated. I’m having a hard time seeing my project once again and feel off track and lost. This is a recurring feeling for me that comes and goes, but this time it’s running deep. The cold of winter is discouraging, and I feel trapped by the limitations created by ice and snow. I’ve been sleeping up here on the Big Creek Trail, my original intention was to come up here for silence and to hopefully capture some images of clearcuts. I have been gifted with silence and some images of forest burns, however the clearcuts have eluded me. I know they’re around here, but I have no idea where, hence I’m lost. Adding to my sense of hopelessness is the deep snow, in the north I was prepared with gear, but most of this was sent home a year ago, me not expecting to encounter winter again on this journey. And deeper it goes. Am I lost? Am I really lost? Is the fact that I’m surrounded by snow-pack rather than Mexican landscapes a testament to this fact? And what does this mean for the film, where is it all going?

Feelings of returning home and abandoning the project are engulfing me. I could be at home, taking advantage of winter to fall trees up at the farm to set aside for my future log home. I could be warm and comfortable. I could be planning for a sustainable future, my sustainable retreat, as James Lovelock called it. Get out while you still can, the voice inside me is screaming. Forget this film nonsense! And that’s the point really: where is it all going? Where is this film going, where am I going, and where is this human experiment called western civilization going?

Maybe I should jump ship while I still can…

peace,
d