To get a little personal, I've been pretty deep into the darkness lately, it happens out on the road. Sometimes I'm overtaken by the immensity of the project that I've created.. the endless nature of the content that seemingly spreads in all direction. From there I travel into lonliness and isolation, concerns over my dwindling money supply which gets tighter by the day. I'm well into my personal savings and it's difficult to see the money I had set aside disappearing faster than expected. So in light of all the darkness I thought the best thing to do was get back in touch with the light ;-)

So I've been meditating for a half hour every morning and night working to build a personal practice. It's amazing to see how much B.S. is floating/rushing through my mind. It's nice to let it be there while working to connect with the breath... and slowly but surely.. the light, the peace, and the balance is coming back.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is our inability to escape conflict.. whether it's conflict with ourselves or others it simply seems to exist in this magical universe of ours. Animals torn to shreds to feed others, trees fighting infestation, traffic jams, barking dogs, mircobes, viruses, nationstates, urban sprawl, environmental degradation... and the list goes on. But out of this conflict there is often fruit to be harvest or dirt to be planted in. Things just break down, but that's how we and the rest of the living ecology around us live, learn and grow.

I'm realizing that for whatever reason I've built my life upon a strict aversion to conflict.. I just refuse to do it... there's a trauma response in me that resembles fight or flight... and that's fine when it's escapable, but what about when it comes from within, or from a source you are unable to escape from... then things become a little more tricky.

So I guess it all goes back to acceptance and allowing things to be perfect in their imperfection. It becomes about allowing unconditional love to really shine, not just of others, but of ourselves and of this whole damn big picture show we're living in. This is afterall the only dance there is.

I think I have to make peace with conflict... and although I don't think my path lies in promoting or fostering this dark spirit of growth through struggle... I do think that sometimes she needs to do her dance and all we can do is marvel at the show.

Some quotes I stole from the Upaya Newsletter this week...

You must practice without finding fault with the present.
- Zen Master Keizan

Soil that is dirty grows the countless things. Water that is clear has no fish. Thus as a mature person you properly include and retain a measure of grime. You can’t just go along enjoying your own private purity and restraint.
- Vegetable Root Sutra

peace & conflict ;-)
d