Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Location: Flagstaff, Arizona

I drove out of Flagstaff tonight around 5pm. I had just got the front upper ball joints in Veronica replaced and still had time to make it to Meteor Crater before sunset.

It wasn’t long into the drive that I came upon what remained of a small mountain range. Mostly it had been removed by men in dozers and dump trucks, and what remained was a tracked up and excavated shell of its former self. I pulled over off the highway onto a side road and set up my gear, the light was magical. Just as I was set to film, the light changed, and the clouds rolled in overhead carrying lightning and thunder… and like an invisible lightening bolt it stuck me, and although I felt it, I didn’t know what it was.

The rain started in large drops hitting the pavement and cameras here and there, and then in an instant came the deluge. I raced to grab the camera and gear and jumped into the van where Moses, annoyed and scared of the thunder, sat in the driver’s seat being pelted by the rain coming through the open window.

I set the gear aside and made room for him on the bed and we traded places, the window quickly sealing off the elements. Then I sat there for a moment looking east into the horizon towards Meteor Crater, nothing but grayness.

I turned on my CB and listened to the weather for the area then decided to head back to Flag. The rain continued to pour as I ate a three dollar slice of pizza, and as I pulled into Walmart to sleep. I decided against the national forest since I’m pretty broke these days and every drop of fuel counts.

After walking the dog and listening to some NPR, I headed into Wally World for some dog treats for my sulking and damp pooch. I found some milk bones and was on my way out when I saw her… this old overweight woman looking at me over the edge of her national enquirer. She had this look of broken dreams, a broken life, and a broken mind. As I looked around me I saw she mostly fit in with those around us. The degree to which the people around me were overweight, seemingly sad and broken was staggering. They hobbled around unconscious feeding this corporate giant with themselves and being fed in return, a symbiotic nightmare.

And that’s when I realized what I had been feeling since the mountain made hill-of-dirt… Our world is ending.

I’ve been really down lately and somewhat racked by anxiety and I think this is the core of it. I think I’m starting to truly believe that our world is ending. Not only on an intellectual level but for the first time on an empathetic and emotional level.

Day in and day out I travel through this world, watching us all consume (myself included). I find myself interviewing brilliant minds with clear visions of what needs to be done and of the future. But these minds are in the minority and even then, they are mostly living within the same status quo their speaking to change. Most of them have jobs, make money, live in houses, drive cars, and likely spend their money buying things that invariably feed into the system they are trying to fight against. I know this isn’t always the case, and I’m not placing blame or expressing disappointment, but instead getting at the crux of it…

Right now I feel we’re living in an inescapable paradigm of paradox. Even as individuals and governments are working towards global environmental stability, we are also working to repair an economy hinged on consumer spending. We are still expanding highways, leveling mountains, emptying Walmart of its merchandise, bombing other nations, and basically continuing business as usual.

My intuition tells me it wont last.

I spend a lot of time on the road in self reflection and I spend a lot of time working as an eternal optimist, but there was something about seeing that mountain today that challenged my faith in humanity. It probably could have been anything that triggered it, and I actually think this has been at the gates for some time.

I know I’ll continue on, and I know I’ll make this film, but there’s this increasing feeling that I’m not making a film to change the world but rather that I’m simply bearing witness to the tragedy of our humanity.
What a downer… hehe…

But maybe that’s all there really is we can do. Maybe we can fight to change things as hard as we can, but in the end all we’re really doing is bearing witness so that in the future, if there is one, we can better understand where it was we went wrong. Or maybe we just can’t operate such a large system, maybe in our overpopulation we’ve arrived at over-complexity, and now the system has to die back a bit to regenerate itself. Maybe it’s all part of a larger natural process to be this stupid.

I know I’ll be fine, I know I’ll get my optimism back in check since it’s the only way to survive.. but there again.. I’ve caught myself. I do so many interviews and in all my interviews I ask people if they’re optimistic. Often they say yes it’s the only way to move forward. But what if the answer lies in all these great minds finally giving up, and standing on the street corner with signs proclaiming ‘THE END IS NEAR’… what would people do then… if the nobel peace prize winners, authors, all threw up their hands and said they give up. I’m being facetious but it brings up an interesting point about how in our optimism maybe we all refuse to acknowledge how much trouble we’re really in.

I like what Tony Brown said when I asked him if he was optimistic, and I’m paraphrasing, “My reason limits my ability to be optimistic, but I am hopeful.”

I’m struggling with my hope these days. Since it seems despite all our efforts to change ourselves, we still continue unconsciously towards our own eventual demise…

How do we change such ingrained patterns of behavior… how do we really change business as usual. At this point I’d say we don’t, unless we find ourselves in that wake of such a major calamity that we all finally pay attention to what’s really happening.

I can’t imagine what such an event would be, nor do I wish to… but I fear it’s on its way. Notice I didn’t say, I fear, unless we change, it’s on its way.

Thanks for allowing me to open the vent on my darkness. Now go think of puppies and solar energy and happy thoughts. I’m sure it’ll all be fine ;-)

peace,
d